Why HELLO there! Judith Faolan, second of the Elite Four, reporting for a special interests article.

It’s come to my attention that several inhabitants of our fair islands are most severely lacking in a most important quality – that of beingAWESOME. Though I confess I don’t recall what it may feel like to be such a person, it pains my heart to know that any of you suffer from this condition. I’m sure it’s most awful. SO I am here to offer my advice to all of you. Perhaps you wish to appear more awesome, or more so in romantic endeavors, and then you may wish to be most awesome in your pokemon battles! As a brilliant practitioner of all of these things, I will humbly guide you. LET’S BEGIN!

APPEARING AWESOME

Having a resounding presence is a very important trait for those of us who are awesome. You must have an aura that BURSTS from your body and shines rather brilliantly. Blinding people is cool, but remember to tone it down some – they will want to keep looking at you, after all.

To appear more awesome, it is optimal to look as wonderful as I do. If you don’t? Well, that’s a shame. But take heart! There are many things we can do.

1. Always appear DASHING. You absolutely must have something flowing behind you at all times; be it your coattails, jacket, cape, hair, turbines – no one will notice you dashing about if you don’t have these.

2. WORK OUT. You’re on a tropical island, does this seem like the sort of place to relax? CLIMB THAT VOLCANO and it will reward you with MUSCLES.

3. SMILE. People love huge teeth. This is simply fact.

THE LADIES

The more ladies you have, the more awesome you are. Only want to keep one? Then the more ladies you charm, the more awesome you are. Ladies are just awesome. I can’t say that I’ll beat them off of my own self for your sake, but you’re free to try your hand!

1. Ladies love it when you LIFT HEAVY THINGS. You should make a frequent practice of this. Lifting ladies themselves is also impressive, but never tell them that they are heavy. I do not believe they prefer this.

2. No amounts of awesome feats are too small to perform in front of a lovely lady. If you are awesome, such things will come most naturally.

3. Ladies love words. READ A BOOK and learn new words, and string them together like a lovely lace of flowers that you would dress about her head. I know several of you may be swooning right now, but please do try to finish the article.

POKEMON MASTERING

Why are we all here in the first place? Why, to battle with our amazing pokemon, of course! Are you somehow not awesome at this? Well WHAT are you doing here?? I will help you.

1. STOP LOSING. It is most commonly not an awesome practice to lose your battles. You should aspire to be like me, and WIN ALL THE TIME.

2. Never ask your pokemon to do something you wouldn’t! TAKE A MEGA PUNCH TO THE GUT. Your pokemon will respect you like you never knew they could.

3. LAUGH IN THE FACE OF UNFORTUNATE THINGS. When battle is going downhill, that is the time to rear back and guffaw in the face of adversity! Your pokemon may think you’re mad, but they’ll more likely think you’re awesome. They certainly like this better than seeing you cower!

Remember, Ohana trainers, to always brim with CONFIDENCE. Don’t just brim, bubble and spill onto the floor! Make a confident mess! What good is the noble aspiration to be as awesome as I, if you cannot even tell yourself that you just might be? When you take a moment once every 47 minutes to remind the world of how amazing you are, you are not only doing them a favor, but YOURSELF. When all else fails, confidence begets awesomeness. People will follow and love you if you truly believe you should be followed and loved! Stop whining and go PUNCH A HOLE IN A BOAT.

Thus ends my small column. No thanks are necessary. Though it may be hard to believe, sharing how wonderful I am is but a simple trifle. And as a final word of advice, do not try to surpass my own personal level of awesome. You’ll only disappoint your poor dear self.

Photo Credit: BFOI E4 Taz Saints & Kazul (Flygon)

The Geyser heralds new discoveries as Geologists unravel mysteries brought to the surface by the forced eruption. But this is cold comfort to the residents of Volcano Town, as the Geysers presence confirms the land is too unstable to rebuild upon. As Prof. Terran observed in his reports, the forced eruption did more damage to Mt Kila and the surrounding area than a natural eruption likely would’ve done. In the step-by-step guide following, Prof. Terran explains to the ONN just what happened to Mt Kila during the night of the eruption.

“The night began calmly, as BFOI R3 progressed at the base of Mt Kila. The area had experienced a slight increase in tremors in recent weeks leading up to the events, but this was ‘par for the course’.”

“At 10:53pm, two explosive charges were detonated on the summit of Mt Kila, one charge on the recently weakened east face of the Crater Rim, and the other apparently dropped into the Crater Lake itself. This blew out a sizeable hole in the crater causing the crater begin emptying towards Volcano Town.”

“The emptying of the crater lake rapidly reduced the temperature inside the magma tube and not unlike the effect of a geyser, the pressure and temperature dropped essentially ‘mixed’ and created a chemical chain reaction the forced the contents of the magma chamber upwards causing Mt Kila to go into a full scale eruption.”

“It was quite fortunate that the BFOI was hosting a Round of their contest at this time, as the quick thinking of the Gym Leader proved invaluable in aiding the evacuation of Volcano Town, sparing many lives of what could’ve been a horrific tragedy.”

“Thanks to the efforts of Trainers and Pokémon alike, Volcano Town was fully evacuated with only minor injuries reported well before the main event came to a head.”

“After hours of people fighting the lava flows, magma bombs, ash fallout, and fires that had broken out, Mt Kila fell silent at 2:06 am. We mistakenly believed this to be the end of the eruption at first.”

“It was only the herald of something more destructive however, as Mt Kila had completely emptied itself, and in the process had ruptured the main magma tube, and created fractures all throughout the Volcano. Its own weight was starting to crush it.”

“At 2:14 am, gravity won and Mt Kila suffered a catastrophic collapse, falling to pieces on itself, and dropping in height by several hundred metres. While empty of magma, it was most certainly not empty of other material, and a colossal mass of volcanic ash, gases, rock, and mud was ejected into the air as the volcano collapsed in on itself.”

“The ejected material, coming directly from the mouth of the volcano itself, was superheated at temperatures in excess of 900ºC/1650ºF. This amazing heat created a convection current, and it was mere minutes before the material cooled enough to begin falling back to terra firma. The result was a Type-4 Pyroclastic Flow; a torrent of mud, ash and volcanic debris that buried the new ghost town below it in seconds.”

“A week later, we have been able to get near the Volcano again, and despite the torrential rain, have found that previously unknown underwater springs have been ruptured by the immense tremors, allowing superheated water to make its way to the surface.”

“While this means Volcano Town residents cannot hope to rebuild on the same land due to the thermal instability, it does open up more options for scientific study as well as the very real possibility of Ohana being able to boast a viable thermal park within a few short years.”

When asked about the stability of Mt Kila in regards to any future eruptions, Prof Terran assured us that it was very much out of steam and had very little chance of erupting again during our lifetimes. A small comfort, but nowhere near enough for the residents of Volcano Town, whose lives have been uprooted by this horrific event. Police are still on the hunt for suspects, and while rumours are spreading that Team Magma are responsible, the Police have issued no comment regarding as such.

Stay tuned to the ONN for updates on this and other related stories -